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jokes
Mar 23, 2009 17:37:48 GMT 1
Post by Bonefish on Mar 23, 2009 17:37:48 GMT 1
A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually
attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the
gentleman who is seated over there' and indicated the sender with a nod
of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man
and then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was
lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it
to the gentleman.
The note read:
'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your
garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants.'
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in
return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him
to deliver it to the lady.
It read:
'Just so you know things aren't always what they appear to be,
I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in
my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen , Miami and a 10,000
acre ranch in Louisiana .
There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio.
But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches............... Just send the bottle back.'
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jelv
Committee
Posts: 450
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jokes
May 1, 2009 12:16:02 GMT 1
Post by jelv on May 1, 2009 12:16:02 GMT 1
These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts", and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you ****ting me? _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: getting laid ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Wer e there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. ________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________ And the best for last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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jokes
Jun 4, 2009 19:05:54 GMT 1
Post by Batchoy on Jun 4, 2009 19:05:54 GMT 1
BBQ RULES We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food. (2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables and makes dessert. (3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand. (4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three metre exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part: (5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine... (6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery. (7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat.
Important again: (8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine... (9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauce and brings them to the table. (10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all: (11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts. (12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her 'night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
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jelv
Committee
Posts: 450
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jokes
Jun 12, 2009 13:38:58 GMT 1
Post by jelv on Jun 12, 2009 13:38:58 GMT 1
A woman brought a very limp duck into a vet's surgery.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said 'I'm so sorry, your duck Cuddles has passed away'
The distressed owner wailed 'Are you sure?'
'Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead' he replied.
'How can you be so sure,' she protested.. ' I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something'
The Vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his paws on the table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the Vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog, and took it out, and returned a few minutes later with a cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, mewed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, 'I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck'. The vet turned to his PC, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. £150!', she cried, £150 just to tell me my duck is dead!'
The vet just shrugged, and said 'I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would only have been £20, but with the Lab report and the Cat scan, it's now £150.
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jokes
Aug 19, 2009 23:20:19 GMT 1
Post by genie1love on Aug 19, 2009 23:20:19 GMT 1
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
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jokes
Aug 19, 2009 23:21:55 GMT 1
Post by genie1love on Aug 19, 2009 23:21:55 GMT 1
When girls don't put out!! This was written by a guy.....it's pretty d**n smart.
Girls -- Please have a sense of humor!
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much... And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart..
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't fe el like it, I just want you to hold me.'
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all Dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.......but at least that b*tch knows I'm smarter than her. Probably won’t have sex for the next few weeks either.
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jokes
Aug 19, 2009 23:22:47 GMT 1
Post by genie1love on Aug 19, 2009 23:22:47 GMT 1
A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, The guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again. The girl has been watching him and says, "you must be a dentist." The guy, surprised, says, "Yes, how did you figure that out? "Easy", she replied, "you keep washing your hands." One thing led to another, and they make love. After they are done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."
The guy now with a boosted ego, says, "Sure, I am a good dentist. Did you figure that out?" The girl replies...
..." I didn't feel a thing "
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jokes
Aug 19, 2009 23:24:34 GMT 1
Post by genie1love on Aug 19, 2009 23:24:34 GMT 1
Subject: Senior Church Moment
A preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation - no one wanted him to leave.
Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up and proclaims; 'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'
The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, 'If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.
Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex!'
There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her, 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?'
Sadie's 90-year-old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, 'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said,... 'Screw him!'
Isn't senility wonderful? Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Subject: Senior Church Moment
A preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation - no one wanted him to leave.
Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up and proclaims; 'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'
The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, 'If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.
Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex!'
There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her, 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?'
Sadie's 90-year-old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, 'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said,... 'Screw him!'
Isn't senility wonderful? Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
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jokes
Aug 19, 2009 23:25:14 GMT 1
Post by genie1love on Aug 19, 2009 23:25:14 GMT 1
A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed
was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an
envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.
It was addressed, 'Mum' With the worst premonition, she opened the
envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
'Dear, Mum.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene
with Dad and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I
knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos,
her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the
woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really
hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with
the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS,
so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your
many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Nicholas.
“P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than
the school report that's on my desk”
I love you!
Call when it is safe for me to come home.
A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed
was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an
envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.
It was addressed, 'Mum' With the worst premonition, she opened the
envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
'Dear, Mum.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene
with Dad and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I
knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos,
her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the
woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really
hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with
the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS,
so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your
many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Nicholas.
“P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than
the school report that's on my desk”
I love you!
Call when it is safe for me to come home.
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jokes
Aug 19, 2009 23:26:36 GMT 1
Post by genie1love on Aug 19, 2009 23:26:36 GMT 1
"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist. The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a long, painful groan. He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit. "Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious." "It isn't?" cried the motorist. "So you know what’s happened to my caravan?"
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jokes
Aug 19, 2009 23:27:46 GMT 1
Post by genie1love on Aug 19, 2009 23:27:46 GMT 1
A timely tale (true) for all Luddites
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 9 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.' I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.' Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before? 'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.' So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T I used to like Eric, the little b!!!!!
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jokes
Aug 19, 2009 23:45:07 GMT 1
Post by thebloke on Aug 19, 2009 23:45:07 GMT 1
a duck waddles into the pub and orders a beer and a sandwich, the barman is agog ,he asks the duck ,what sort of sandwich ,the duck says cheese please, when he brings the beer and the sandwich to the duck the barman says we dont get many ducks in here, the duck stops him short and says look ive had a hard day at work and i just want to enjoy my beer and my sandwich, the barman says casually ,what do you work at ?,im a plasterer says the duck. a few days later the duck has been in every night for his beer and sandwich ,a circus comes to town ,the owner of the circus asks the barman can i put a flyer to advertise the circus in the window ? the barman says would you be interested in a duck that talks ,drinks beer and eats cheese sandwiches? the circus owner says sure that would be some attraction. the next time the duck comes in for his beer and sandwich the barman says i had a circus owner in here who would give you a job. the duck says you mean them up on the green with the big tent with a pole in it ?the barman says yes thats them , the duck says them that live in caravans? yes says the barman,the duck says what would they do with a plasterer?
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jokes
Aug 20, 2009 11:43:58 GMT 1
Post by phkite on Aug 20, 2009 11:43:58 GMT 1
Rural Australian Computer Terms
LOG ON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter. LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie. MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie. DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the Ute. HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies. KEYBOARD: Where you hang the Ute keys. WINDOW: What you shut when the weather's cold. SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season. BYTE: What mozzies do. MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do. CHIP: A bar snack. MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips. MODEM: What you did to the lawns. LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps. SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster. HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks -from K-Mart. MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed. MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up. WEB: What spiders make. WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the veranda. SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the Ute won't go. CURSOR: What you say when the Ute won't go. YAHOO: What you say when the Ute does go. UPGRADE: A steep hill. SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch. MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch. USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things. NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net. INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go. NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover the hole in the net. ONLINE: Where you hang the washing. OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't
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jokes
Aug 24, 2009 17:10:11 GMT 1
Post by thebloke on Aug 24, 2009 17:10:11 GMT 1
Our esteemed chairman said he would like to get some new faces into our club at Portsmouth, im going to ask him to get me one.
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jokes
Aug 24, 2009 20:05:54 GMT 1
Post by C2LLN on Aug 24, 2009 20:05:54 GMT 1
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