Post by Bonefish on Dec 15, 2012 12:14:53 GMT 1
The Grim Reaper came for me last night but I beat him off with my vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.
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A friend recently admitted he was addicted to brake fluid. But he reckoned he could stop any time.
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I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. I noticed 4 funeral staff walking about with a coffin. Three hours later they were still walking about with it. I thought, they've lost the plot!!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------My daughter wanted a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!
Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
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I was at an ATM when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
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I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
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I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.
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Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.
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My neighbour banged on my front door at 2:30am this morning. Can you believe that, 2:30am !!!
Luckily for him I was still up, playing my bagpipes.
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Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.
"B*****R that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
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Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead."
The operator says "how do you know?"
Man says "The sex is the same but the ironing's building up!"
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My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
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A wife says to her husband, ' why do you always talk behind my back?'
He says 'what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.'
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I explained to my wife that when you die you get reincarnated but come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said 'you're obviously not listening.'
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Two Muslims crashed a boat into the Thames Barrier in London. Police said it's the start of Ram-a-dam.
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The wife has been missing a week now. Police said I should prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
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Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train. She shut her eyes and stopped breathing.
I thought she was dead. Then I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.
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The wife was counting all the 5 and 10p s out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
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Local police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
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Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
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A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh , I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."
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Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?"
Paddy says "I'm sending a voicemail, ya thick sod!"
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Just been to my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.
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19 Irishmen go to the cinema and the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies, "The advert said 18 or over."
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An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.
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Police looking for whoever stole all the toilets in the police station, say they have nothing to go on.
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